Visiting Teaching?

To night I went out with my friend, to do our visiting teaching. I wrapped up my famous fudge and went out. We stopped at an inactive woman and talked, talked till her children came home from school, and we talked the them.
We went to the next lady and she wasn't home, we went on to a elderly woman who lost her home to a fire. She was not a member, but that didn't matter. Left some fudge, made sure she was alright then went back to see if the other sister had returned.
We went down to our next sister, surprised her because she forgot. We sat around her table and gave the message, laughed and gave her fudge.
We went to the nursing home to visit my partner's mother-in-law. She is not a member either, but she is very lonely in her last days here.
We then stopped at a new sister on our list, an inactive mother of three, trying to remodel her house and go to school, on line. The children were very friendly and excited about Christmas coming. I saw no signs of a tree or any decorations and she needed a little help cleaning up/
Now we went back to our sisters home that we hadn't gotten to, she was home but had a broken foot and had been all day at the doctors. We had a fine visit and she was alright.
Now it was dark and we needed to get home. We were out for 5 hours. Not so bad. Now to get the rest of them, tomorrow.

understood

I've been sitting here, thinking about the jobs I have had and why I don't have them now. I am always on time and leaving when I should. I have tried to do my job to the fullest and doing anything my bosses have asked.
Why was I always in the office talking to the boss and then always crying? Why would people complain about me to my boss? I never understood that. Why would I hurt someone on purpose, or even by mistake? I have loved the ones I have cared for. I always did my best. Why wasn't that good enough.
Of coarse, they always had to 'let me go' because there was no wrong doing. You just can't have someone like me around.
Hey, maybe that is why my own family doesn't want me around some times. That is why I am having such a hard time with finding a job now. I am afraid that I'll do something wrong, again. I just couldn't take being let go again or even worse 'fired'. I will be 60 soon and who would want me anyway?
Caring for others is an emotional job. I have emotions. Who I care for have emotions and I understand that. We need to express our emotions, don't we?
The small child needs to be loved. The elderly need to be loved. The caregiver needs to be understood.

Someone to watch over me

Well the unemployment has run out and what's a person to do? Go find a job, right? Well that puts me into panic attacks. How do you explain being fired for lies, or because I wasn't happy enough. Of coarse it was for 'being inappropriate at work'. I'm inappropriate in my life most of the time, just ask my kids.
Why can't there be a way of making money and not having to apply for a job or interview and explain why I haven't been working.
I want to go home and have someone take care of me for awhile, now that sounds good.

We need to talk about it

With earning my degree, I had to read books and take classes in children in crisis so Mercyhurst giving a book about children in crisis in Benjy's name seems fitting. Some times I wish I could of intervene in Benjy's life more. I understand the pain of the mind and wanting it to go away. I have found therapy helps but is not the only answer. Some times we have to except what we have been handed and learn to deal with it. I have no answers, just more questions but I know reaching out to others and talking about it helps. ( may not be appropriate though) I hope that all who reads this will reach out and talk about it and listen to others.

I have been listening to old songs and thinking about the ones I've loved before. Do you think if they ever think of me( in a good way)? I don't like spending time, thinking, it always gets me into trouble but mowing the lawn is something that is hard to do together and talk.. Taking care of my husband has taken a small toll on my phycee, I start to wonder if anyone could ever care for me that way? To tend to another every need, to feed, clean, dress, ,medicate and then run all their wants too. I love my husband, don't get me wrong and I'm sure he loves me in his way, but could anyone love me to take care of my needs? Oh I asked that before. Well back to those old songs. ( somethings, like reasons, are put in a jar, what ever happened to wishes, wished on a star. Was it just something that I made up for fun)

just tired

"do for me, die for me, lift me, carry me. Finally got a guy to " just like the old song, I do everything for my husband, now a day. Help me up, shower me, I need to go to the bathroom, and so on and so on. I've tried sleeping on the couch so I will hear him in the night. When I did this for others I got paid and got to leave after 12 hours. Oh I'm glad he is home and he is doing so much better here than in the hospital. You could just say I'M TIRED.

the waiting room

In the waiting room for my husband to come out of open heart surgery, now there is a time to go insane, but with the supportive staff at the hospital I was kept informed on how the surgery was going, every 2 hours. His sister sat with me, now she will go insane, while I waited and of coarse all I did was grabber away. I was nervous than I had thought because when he came through surgery I felt better, somewhat. There is so much I have to do before he comes home and than 6 weeks of care giving. I'm not very good at giving care to my own family, I'm scared. It's little things like this that pushes me to insanity.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being yelled at and put down. I hate being told what to do, when and how and then be yelled at for it.
I try to give Richard the benefit of the doubt but then he just keeps it up. It makes me sad. It makes me want to run away, to die.
I guess I am still not better. I still let the people I love hurt me so. Nothing has changed for me after all. Is there no hope? Will it ever get better? Does anyone even care?
Well next week I will have a reprieve, Richard will be in the hospital and won't be yelling at me.
Now do I go to bed or stay up, again, alone.

I'm sitting here, alone, watching a movie that I shouldn't just yet, but here I am. I'm wathing "What Dreams May Come". It's about dieing and suicide. I have been suicidle, all my life. I've even have tried it a few times. I'm not proud, just stating a fact, and I know how it feels. So I'm thinking about the death of my son. I wish I had been around, maybe I could of helped. If I had just been a better parent? I feel so responsible. I've been a terrible influence on the ones I love. I know that this post is inappropriate but I have to say it somewhere, somehow. I've failed so many people in my life. People that I have loved the most. Here I am just wallowing in my own sorrow. Everyone else seems to be so strong and I'm so sorry of a person.
So much for self absorbed. It's been hard on my family, having this loss, but it still is a learning process. All these things shall give thee experience. Loss is a hard one. Any type of loss really, but when it is someone like Benjy, You feel it big. He was a Big spirit in our family. He brought two wonderful girls into it and a beautiful wife. Amie, you are a part of me now and forever.
My husband has already lost two children, but this one was hard on him too. I don't know if I should say this, but I always say things I shouldn't, Richard is dieing. Surgery next week, 50/50 chance of surviving. I'm scared. I feel so alone with all of this. I know, everything will be all right, but I am still worried. So much, Too much.
I am sorry to all of you.

Junk

I'm trying to get the junk in my house, organized so I can sell it. Not working out as well as I would like. I'm not as young as I used to be and moving furniture is getting harder. How did I ever get soooo much stuff? You hang on to things thinking someone would like it latter and then no one wants it. What do you do with a piano that cost me $2500, I am hopeng for $600, but I'm starting to loose faith. With gold going so high I think of selling my jewerly and wish I had more. Money, that is what I need, what I want, and what I don't have. I have junk! Does anyone want junk, my junk? Instead of a garage sale I'm going to avertise a 'junk sale' maybe that will get attention.

No title

Just another, hot summer day, just like so many I've already lived through and I am still here. Still facing the same predicaments I did last year or the years before. When are we supposed to grow up and over come these problems.
I always thought that I would out grow my problems or find the answers by the time I would reach this age, but here they all come running right back, boom, I'm feeling like I did at thirteen. Has anyone, really, ever grown up? Do we have to relive our fears and shames over and over again, till we die?
I feel that I have failed some how, I keep trying, almost close, I can see a speck of light..... Oh I was wrong, it's just the same old, same old.
Little hope in ever becoming. Little desire to keep trying. Must give in?
Love does not cure all, but I sure would like to try.
I would like to say "I'm sorry" to all of you for me not getting it.

I need you in my life

Well I'm sitting here on a hot, humid, summer day. There is so much to do but I don't want to do any of it. When my family was young I did it all and now that I'm alone most of the time, I do nothing. Why can't we change this growing up thing around. I should have the young ones now, when I don't worry about cleaning the house. Where I would love to play and lay out side.
I miss my family. That seems so 'not important' but it's like 'air' to me. I can't breath without my family. I've been trying not to complain to them so I haven't called much and I miss them so. Thanks to 'facebook' I know what my kids are doing, sort of. Sometimes I wish I knew more about the computer so I could get in touch more often.
Summer is going so slow, and I am missing my 40th class reunion. I've never gone before, but this year I wanted to go. Losing my jobs didn't help. sort of. I would to say" Fiauna, here I come. Pull out the pool toys" It's not too late, yet but the time is ticking down.
So what is this all about? I miss you all. I need you in my life.

Just rambleing

Have you ever have one of THOSES days? Spilled red jello, out of the fridge, got my white shirt, lost my therapist, broke dishes, and it's only noon. I have these days almost everyday. It's not Murphy's Law as much as Vickie's life. If it can go wrong, it will and it will happen to me.
Oh, if I were a poet, so I could write what I feel. Make a picture for you, with my word. Oh, if I were an artist and could paint the sights I see. If I were a singer, I could sing out the love in my heart. If I could express how I feel. I have made so many mistakes to get me here, where I am. I have made choices that hurt all the ones I love. If I were a mathematician or scientist so I could go back in time so the damage wasn't done. Like the song goes,' small things, likes reasons, are put in a jar. What ever happened to wish on a stat. Was it just something that I made up for fun?' I am sorry for all I have done to you. Even I am not my best friend. You could say that I am a friend to none.

Blink and change the picture

Things change so fast you just blink and it is new picture.
Now it has been 5 weeks of being unemployed, I really don't miss it. I have no idea where I'm going to end up. Will I still be taking care of people, young or old? Should I even try to stay in the same area? Do I need the pain and disappointment of the same old thing?
So the problem smelts down to..... I talk too much. I'm too personal...... yeah, that's me. Now how do I stop being me? I don't know if I want to go back to that. I'm not sooo bad, I could tone it down I'm sure. I have always told myself to "shut up" but self talk just makes me sad.
I go to an employment thingy tomorrow, maybe they can lead me to where I should be.
Well I had some surgery on my face on Friday. I've been bleeding down into my eye and I just look gorgeous. Now I need a good story for the scare. I like the one that I'm so in love with Harry Potter that I joined the 'lighting scare' club. Maybe , I missed when I was plucking my eyebrows. I'll just have to grow bangs again to cover it up. No biggy.

Not much different

I don't know who reads my blog, my son says that he does, but I wonder what I can and cannot really say. I know that I have made mistakes in my life, and who hasn't. There have been people hurt along the way. I have been one of those hurt by my choices. I have not tried to hurt anyone, I have not intensionlly set out to hurt any one. I have been accused of hurting someone and have not been givern the oppertunity to know who is accuseing me or to explain what I think what has been misunderstood.
I don't think I can fill out another application for employment. I can't answer all the questions. I'm going to need time off in a couple of monthes and I can't explain that either. What to do?
My husband is going to be having open heart surgery this summer and I don't think he understands what is going to happen. He has never been sick enough to need rehab and this time he will. The doctor put me in charge of watching him till the surgery and not letting him over do it. Sure, like I can do anything to stop him except do the work myself.
Now my husband has also taken over all my bills and my checking account. He has me right were he likes me, under his thumb. So here I stand. In the middle of nowhere with no way out.
Doing stuff I don't want to do so someone else will be happy and taken care of. No much is different from my former jobs.

You choose

For the first time in my life, I was fired. I have been asked to leave, I have been not scheduled but this time I was fired. It was a bunch of lies, but they didn't even let me say anything. Talk about going insane. I really don't know what to do. I don't think I take filling out applications and do I really want to stay in the caring field? Who wants to hire an old lady any way? I can't stand all day on my feet and I can't bend and stoop. Yes, I''m a little depressed and very scared. So what do you think, Quickly going insane or Finally there?

I've lost something

Have you ever lost a day? I seem to have lost yesterday. Do you know where it went? While you are looking for me see if you could find my life? I don't remember getting this old. In my mind's eye I'm still 35 and I don't know where that went. No one ever tells you about getting older, they make a lot of jokes and have surgery to keep from ageing, but they don't tell you about loosing your time. We live every day and do our jobs. Being busy and all that, time just passes by. Before you know it, it's tomorrow. What are you going to do?

Thanks

What can I say, I just got fired from my job caring for the elderly. They couldn't tell me any more than that they had heard disturbing things about me and that they had no time to talk to me till Monday. I know what I did wrong, I do it all the time, and never seem to learn, I talked. I talked about myself. I share information of my life that fits into the lives of the people I take care of. Why don't I ever learn from this repeated mistake? Some times I wish that I had no voice, I couldn't talk so I wouldn't get in trouble. Now my husband in angry at me. I don't know where to go from here. I have worked in the caring business for 38 years. Who is going to want to hire me? Do you ever get the feeling that no matter how hard you try you're just not going to make it? I guess I finally made it. Need to change the name of this blog to : I am insane. It is said that if you keep repeating the same experiment and expect a different out come that you clearly are in the wrong. I'm always am in the wrong, You could say that every thing I do is wrong. So, if I have wronged any of you out there, I am extremely sorry, and it wasn't on purpose. Thanks for being a follower.

Why do I try

Well maybe I have finally gone. I love the little ladies I care for but I think I blew it. I have to drive 30 miles to get to this house I work at and at this time it is just too far to go so I called in to have my work place changed. I'll bet I won't work next week. I have been working where ever they send me and so they didn't give me the position I asked for, being nice and willing to help out has gotten me where I don't want to be, but it's a job, right? Why do people like to walk all over me? They gave the position that I have been waiting for, to someone totally new to the company, because they all ready had me in a slot. Some time I feel that the more I give, the more I lose. Well, I wanted to get out of the business of caring. Maybe this time I will have too.

There for go I

Just got home from work, I guess I'm lucky to have a job, but, tonight it was 3 women with Alzheimer's. One reminds of my sister, who also has Alzheimer's, she walks around the house saying her 'hail Mary' for about a hour be fore she can go to bed. Poor thing. The other night it was just 3 old ladies that just need some help. Friday night I'm working in another house with 3 more ladies with Alzheimer's. I hope I don't catch it ( ha ha ha). It sure makes you think about your own life and were I might end up? I hope your job is a little more up lifting.

some wisdom?????

Life is short and it is always a shock when someone dies. I sit with people who are dieing. I have seen people go with grace and those who go fighting all the way. It is sad, who ever they may be. We must always live our lives as if this is our last day, always say 'I love you' and never leave in a huff. Do things you love to do and slow down and enjoy the moment.


This goes to young mothers and fathers also, your children grow too fast so enjoy the moment. The tantrum, the moodiness and all.

Oh, just to let you know, I am a great grandmother of two, a boy and a girl.

I want to be done with this

Well it is a new year, I never thought I would ever see 2011 or any other year since 1972. It was quiet at home and I have been too sick to go out at all. Now I also have a cracked rib from couching and I also pulled muscles. Oh I'm okay at least physically, but today I was let go from the day care. My boss didn't like the way I kept my room and felt I wasn't happy enough. No I haven't been happy, it's been the holidays and I'm not with my family. My hours have been cut and there isn't enough money t pay off my bills. But I guess that is grounds for dismissal. Now I have a husband who is mad because I don't have enough money. We all have trials and we are judged by how we handle them and my record so far is I don't handle them well. New year and another chance to do it right this time. Well, now is the time to change. I hope we all handle our test with better faith so we can be done with these.