crying for caring

Well I can really say that I am going insane. I haven't been able to stop crying for two days now, and to make it worse I cried at staff meeting....You know how it so when you think that everyone hates you and out to get you,.....Oh that does sound insane. I guess it's because I;m tyring just a little too hard to do everything right......I even felt bad when I got a 94% on my last test......I wanted only 100% on all my test. Sometime I think I have bitten off more than I can chew. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving up and I still love all those I care for...well...it's just that I can't seem to be able to do it all. Where is superwoman when you need her? What, I can't hold down two full time Jobs and a house hold and still get sleep? Who needs sleep? Oh yea I am 56 years old not 21, . Is it worth it? YES it is worth it, to care for those who cannot take care of them self, to brush their hair, to feed them, to make sure that they are comfortable, it's all worth it. On the blog spot "for my four" who can see and learn about the care of different people that will tear your heartstrings. So tomorrow is another day, I will get up and start again and hope people won't judge me too harshly for crying.

Just keep on caring

Here I am, writing and reading the blogs when I should be reading the next three chapters for class tomorrow and studying for the next test tomorrow morning, but I feel so out of touch. I need to be reading my kids blogs. I need to know what my family is doing . I need to be a part of their lives. Well class is going well, I got 2 100% and I missed 1 on the other test. I've also been working on the floor at the nursing home. I have already falling in love with a couple of the residents. How can you not fall in love with these poor old people ( oops I'm talking about myself) I just see it now, Me walking down the halls, with my cane, helping a resident to walk down to the dining room. I just hope that I can change my own briefs instead of needing someone to help me, it would be the blind leading the blind. Well my house is falling apart and the it needs a good cleaning, but it will have to wait till I finish classes. Well how is your care giving going. We are all in this together. Keep on caring.

Love the one your with

I am so tired, I can't believe it. How do others do this? I have worked 16 hour days for the last 5 days. I am going to be doing this for the next 4 weeks while I take the CNA class. I just hope that I can keep up. My husband has done the laundry and all of his own cooking ( poor guy) but it is nice to be supported in this new effort of mine. I guess I've changing my OCD to working. It could be worse ( and have been). I love taking care of my guys. They want to hold my hand when we watch t.v. and the one who can ,hugs me all the time. Of coarse the younger staff are having a problem with the way I care for these clients, they think I'm too soft,,mean, controlling, allowing too much, showing too much affection, not showing enough affection...... oh I think you get the picture. Some times the hardest part of being a caregiver is what everyone else feel about care giving. All I know is everyone needs to feel loved by someone so I feel since I can't show how much I love my family ( because we live so far apart) I'll show it to every one else. Reminds me of a song "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with" I have been working in a specialty hospital that had a great stall, they let me know that they appreciated me being there and helping with the client. It's nice being apprecitated.

Good Newa

Hey, Some good news. I finally got a position back at Aspire. Not my old house but the other house I've worked in. If you don't know, Apire is a company that runs group homes foe the mentally retarded and cerebral palsy. This house has three men who are total care, feeding, bathing, dressing and so forth, and three girls all ambulatory. It is a relief to get back to a real position, no more 'on call'. And guess what! It looks like I will be starting CNA classes next week. With a CNA I can work in a rest home or a hospital. Oh well it will give me some more letters be hind my name. Vickie CDA CNA. All that means is that I can take care of anyone from age six weeks to one-hundred. I also quit my job at the convenient store, Yeah. Richard is doing so much better too. He's talking about selling the farm in a couple of years. Well all this and a piece of cake. Even caregivers have good news.

Another joins the ranks

Talked to my little sister, she is struggling with her new job description as caregiver. You ask her, she says she's a bank teller but now that she is the legal guardian of my big sister, well, she is finding it very difficult. I guess my big sister can't remember how to get dressed. She has tried to wear a blouse as a skirt, and she doesn't know in-side-out from right side. Leslie has said that RoLene gets angry when she is corrected. Leslie got a little break thou, RoLene went for a trip with a man she doesn't care for any more. But RoLene was bored and wanted to go home, though she doesn't know where that is. I can understand that feeling. It can be over whelming some times to be responsible for others lives.

A day off?

I don't have to work today, true, a day off. So what do I do, I get my car serviced, transplant some herbs and cry. Don't get me wrong, it's beautiful here. Everything is green, there are clouds and muggy. The weeds are growing like...........well, like weeds. I look like I'm in a jungle, but I want to go home. I want to be with my kids.....So I sit here, on my day off, and cry. I want to take care of my own. I want someone to take care of me. I want to make a difference in my own family not with all these strangers. Do I sound like I'm feeling sorry for myself? Well if I don't....who will? I miss my kids. I miss the mountains. I miss being loved. No there is nothing wrong, I'm just a little tired I guess. We all have days when we're just to tired to be brave and strong. So the question is......Who take care of the caregiver when they can't do any more? If I could I would take care of you when you need a day off. Yes I mean you...YOU.. reading this blog because I know that you too need a day off.

At the Hospital

well, where have I've been, you ask. First, my blog would not let me in to write, and second, I've been caregiving. Who you might ask, well my husband. We came back from Utah and Richard caught a summer cold or so we thought, He just could not kick it. He got sicker and could not breath well. It took me three days and a fever over 103 to get Richard to the Hospital. At 3:a.m. I drove him into Erie and to the best hospital it has to offer just to have him tell me he wanted to go to the VA hospital. I got him there and into the emergency room and after a little exam they said he had pneumonia. They tried to take a electrocardiogram and it just went crazy. I've never seen such a mess of squiggles in my life. The nurse thought it was the machine till the on call Doctor yelled " that is his heart beat" Now they had to lower the rate of speed, over 200 beats a minute and get it little bit more regular. After another hour they took him up to ICU. He had a good nurse there so I went home to call all of my jobs to quit the next couple of days work. I was called by Richard that they were moving him to another hospital because he needed a heart cath and someone to help with the pneumonia. I ran to the next hospital to see him where they just let him lie there for about 4 hours and until he had another heart attack. I ran to the best hospital in the area to check on my friend who went in that same night and to she Richards sister who was just put in for an infection in an amputated toe. Well Richard stayed in CCU another 10 days and had another heart attack, kidney failure, bleeding ulcer and blood in the lungs. Now don't worry, Richard came home on the fourth and went back to work on the sixth. I've been caring for another man in the same hospital as Richard was who is AP and keeps taking out the tubes. Some times you just have to laugh, just don't do it in front of the nurses in ICU or at a funeral home. Such is a day in a caregivers life.