Never knowing when

So, my care job is mixing everyone up in hopes of giving people 40 weeks and insurance and with my luck I now have been cut to 12 hours. I always can do call offs but then I never know when I'm working. They took my little old man away and gave be back a lady I started with last year. It's hard to give good care if you don't know where you are going and when and these 12 hour shifts they want us to have is very hard. Now the day care center have really made it difficult. Now they don't tell me when I work either and they called when I was already at the other job. Just because I'm flexible I get screwed ( pardon my french (what ever that means)). I think about quitting when I get called to work with some sweet person who needs someone to help them, then I sucked back in. My heart just reaches out to the helpless. Hey, talking about helpless, I got a new cat. Just thought I would throw that in. Well that is the life of this caregiver.

Now I have to do others biddings

Another day, another few chosen words of wisdom from the carees. My little wards are all telling me how they like the other teacher so today I let them know that they have their wish and the other teacher is going to be your new teacher. Now they all puts their arms around me and tell me that they love me. Just you wait, she won't be that different from me, but they don't they don't know that. Rules are rules no matter who the teacher and the stress of keeping the bosses rules and the state rules will make any teacher a little.........grumpy......... Now for the little old guy I take care of, he likes me and he likes me better then some of his other care givers. Well I do talk to him and I give him back rubs and such. He likes that I answer his call bell fast. What else is there to do. He is the only one I care for, all night, I'm not sleeping. I guess some of the others go out and smoke, which I don't or maybe they are on the cell phone, which I'm not. I don't know, I don't know why they don't answer him right away. Well tonight I get to go to work, after I worked 7 hours with the kids. I've got to get just one job. Who ever comes up with 40 hours (or less) I will grab, there are good and bad with both jobs but I was allot happier before I went back into the childcare business. I don't know. I wish I could stay home and just take care of my love ones. But I owe, I owe, so off to work I go. Just always remember, Don't spend if it's not in your hand or you will have to do others bidding's.

I am loved

The caregiver had care given from everywhere. My husband as been trying to give a little extra to me, serving dinner to me and doing the dishes and my kids, well they all reached out through the internet and gave me the love I have been needing. Yes, I was getting burnt out but though the love of others my vessel has been filled again. Thank you. I miss you all. I miss your laughter and those long talks about everything. I miss the love that is felt when you all are gathered together. I will return to you again, please be patient with me. I have yet grown up as beautiful as all of you. There is more to caregiving then just keeping people safe and clean, there is a bonding love of one person caring for another. The actual touching of a person in a loving manner. And saying those three words that all must and need to hear, I Love You. Thank you to all who reach out and love someone, anyone, for any reason. True care giving comes from the heart. Reach out, I beg to all, before it is too late. Let people know that they are loved.

I'll be honest, I cry

My last page I wrote while I was feeling sorry myself and today it's because I am mad at myself. I wanted to approach my boss with the question "What is my job here" but instead I got called in to a 2 hour meeting about me and my ability to stop crying when approached. I almost lost my job because of this one little quirk I have. Yes, I cry. I cry when I'm happy. I cry when I'm mad and I cry when I'm frustrated. I cry just sitting by myself. I've gotten in trouble from this little affliction, but I don't cry in front of the children or clients, only in front of my bosses.( they don't seem to like it) What can I do about this problem? It is not appropriate to cry when you are a care giver. You are not allowed to be a person. A person with problems. A person who has flaws. A person who cannot control themselves. I don't blame my boss, I hate it too. I wish I could stop. Maybe this is where the caregiver needs a little care receiving, but alas here I am. I'm sorry if my tears are offences to you. I'm sorry that I can't control my own feelings. May be I'm sorry that I am me. The crier. The pitiful, the caregiver.

Not a very good caregiver after all

Well here I am again, in a new dilemma that seems so old to me. As I am taking care of others I'm not taking care of the ones I love, my family. My own family has had to face tragedy with out their mother because I am so far away. I have let the people I love the most, down, again. My son is in a hospital, fighting for his life. His wife and children are their with out a grandma to help . My little sister is taking care of her older sister with Alzheimer's with out any family to support her. My daughter takes care of her handy capped daughter and everyone else with out a mother to support her. Why am I here in New York? Why don't I leave? Oh yeah that's right I am married to a man who wants to be here. Nothing I do is going to be well with whom ever I leave behind. Do I leave a job that is making me miserable, or stick it out for the money. And where do I get the money to drive across country to be where I should be? I am sorry Benj and Amie, that you don't know me and feel comfortable with my help. I sorry that I haven't been any help to all of you. For give a foolish old lady who never learned from her mistakes. Who keeps making the same mistakes over and over. This caregiver isn't much of a caregiver at all. Now what?