I'm sitting here, alone, watching a movie that I shouldn't just yet, but here I am. I'm wathing "What Dreams May Come". It's about dieing and suicide. I have been suicidle, all my life. I've even have tried it a few times. I'm not proud, just stating a fact, and I know how it feels. So I'm thinking about the death of my son. I wish I had been around, maybe I could of helped. If I had just been a better parent? I feel so responsible. I've been a terrible influence on the ones I love. I know that this post is inappropriate but I have to say it somewhere, somehow. I've failed so many people in my life. People that I have loved the most. Here I am just wallowing in my own sorrow. Everyone else seems to be so strong and I'm so sorry of a person.
So much for self absorbed. It's been hard on my family, having this loss, but it still is a learning process. All these things shall give thee experience. Loss is a hard one. Any type of loss really, but when it is someone like Benjy, You feel it big. He was a Big spirit in our family. He brought two wonderful girls into it and a beautiful wife. Amie, you are a part of me now and forever.
My husband has already lost two children, but this one was hard on him too. I don't know if I should say this, but I always say things I shouldn't, Richard is dieing. Surgery next week, 50/50 chance of surviving. I'm scared. I feel so alone with all of this. I know, everything will be all right, but I am still worried. So much, Too much.
I am sorry to all of you.

Junk

I'm trying to get the junk in my house, organized so I can sell it. Not working out as well as I would like. I'm not as young as I used to be and moving furniture is getting harder. How did I ever get soooo much stuff? You hang on to things thinking someone would like it latter and then no one wants it. What do you do with a piano that cost me $2500, I am hopeng for $600, but I'm starting to loose faith. With gold going so high I think of selling my jewerly and wish I had more. Money, that is what I need, what I want, and what I don't have. I have junk! Does anyone want junk, my junk? Instead of a garage sale I'm going to avertise a 'junk sale' maybe that will get attention.

No title

Just another, hot summer day, just like so many I've already lived through and I am still here. Still facing the same predicaments I did last year or the years before. When are we supposed to grow up and over come these problems.
I always thought that I would out grow my problems or find the answers by the time I would reach this age, but here they all come running right back, boom, I'm feeling like I did at thirteen. Has anyone, really, ever grown up? Do we have to relive our fears and shames over and over again, till we die?
I feel that I have failed some how, I keep trying, almost close, I can see a speck of light..... Oh I was wrong, it's just the same old, same old.
Little hope in ever becoming. Little desire to keep trying. Must give in?
Love does not cure all, but I sure would like to try.
I would like to say "I'm sorry" to all of you for me not getting it.

I need you in my life

Well I'm sitting here on a hot, humid, summer day. There is so much to do but I don't want to do any of it. When my family was young I did it all and now that I'm alone most of the time, I do nothing. Why can't we change this growing up thing around. I should have the young ones now, when I don't worry about cleaning the house. Where I would love to play and lay out side.
I miss my family. That seems so 'not important' but it's like 'air' to me. I can't breath without my family. I've been trying not to complain to them so I haven't called much and I miss them so. Thanks to 'facebook' I know what my kids are doing, sort of. Sometimes I wish I knew more about the computer so I could get in touch more often.
Summer is going so slow, and I am missing my 40th class reunion. I've never gone before, but this year I wanted to go. Losing my jobs didn't help. sort of. I would to say" Fiauna, here I come. Pull out the pool toys" It's not too late, yet but the time is ticking down.
So what is this all about? I miss you all. I need you in my life.

Just rambleing

Have you ever have one of THOSES days? Spilled red jello, out of the fridge, got my white shirt, lost my therapist, broke dishes, and it's only noon. I have these days almost everyday. It's not Murphy's Law as much as Vickie's life. If it can go wrong, it will and it will happen to me.
Oh, if I were a poet, so I could write what I feel. Make a picture for you, with my word. Oh, if I were an artist and could paint the sights I see. If I were a singer, I could sing out the love in my heart. If I could express how I feel. I have made so many mistakes to get me here, where I am. I have made choices that hurt all the ones I love. If I were a mathematician or scientist so I could go back in time so the damage wasn't done. Like the song goes,' small things, likes reasons, are put in a jar. What ever happened to wish on a stat. Was it just something that I made up for fun?' I am sorry for all I have done to you. Even I am not my best friend. You could say that I am a friend to none.

Blink and change the picture

Things change so fast you just blink and it is new picture.
Now it has been 5 weeks of being unemployed, I really don't miss it. I have no idea where I'm going to end up. Will I still be taking care of people, young or old? Should I even try to stay in the same area? Do I need the pain and disappointment of the same old thing?
So the problem smelts down to..... I talk too much. I'm too personal...... yeah, that's me. Now how do I stop being me? I don't know if I want to go back to that. I'm not sooo bad, I could tone it down I'm sure. I have always told myself to "shut up" but self talk just makes me sad.
I go to an employment thingy tomorrow, maybe they can lead me to where I should be.
Well I had some surgery on my face on Friday. I've been bleeding down into my eye and I just look gorgeous. Now I need a good story for the scare. I like the one that I'm so in love with Harry Potter that I joined the 'lighting scare' club. Maybe , I missed when I was plucking my eyebrows. I'll just have to grow bangs again to cover it up. No biggy.

Not much different

I don't know who reads my blog, my son says that he does, but I wonder what I can and cannot really say. I know that I have made mistakes in my life, and who hasn't. There have been people hurt along the way. I have been one of those hurt by my choices. I have not tried to hurt anyone, I have not intensionlly set out to hurt any one. I have been accused of hurting someone and have not been givern the oppertunity to know who is accuseing me or to explain what I think what has been misunderstood.
I don't think I can fill out another application for employment. I can't answer all the questions. I'm going to need time off in a couple of monthes and I can't explain that either. What to do?
My husband is going to be having open heart surgery this summer and I don't think he understands what is going to happen. He has never been sick enough to need rehab and this time he will. The doctor put me in charge of watching him till the surgery and not letting him over do it. Sure, like I can do anything to stop him except do the work myself.
Now my husband has also taken over all my bills and my checking account. He has me right were he likes me, under his thumb. So here I stand. In the middle of nowhere with no way out.
Doing stuff I don't want to do so someone else will be happy and taken care of. No much is different from my former jobs.