Another kind of caring

On this day off I have to reflex on what it is I do. I take care of people, not just anyone but the elderly. We all are getting older, me, well I have always been old, but we all are going to be here someday. That is one reason I am pursuing this line of work, but something happened that I am not quite sure how I feel about it. I have always wanted to die,(I've had alot of help wit it so don't worry) but to see death, to feel death, well I just don't know. May be I'm in some kind of shock or maybe I'm just heartless. A woman at the nursing home died Friday, 10 minutes after changing her and freshening her mouth. Now as an CNA we have to prepare the body for the family to come see. Looking at death, one minute you are there the next you are gone. I couldn't believe the difference in how they look. I'm working in a place were people come to die and I'm going to work third shift were it is most likely that I will see more death than the normal. Can I handle this? Am I capable to handle other's death. So personal, so private. Yes, I know, I take care of all their private needs but to die, to be there, kind of holding their hand, per say. I'm not sad for this person or her family, really, and is this wrong? And then Saturday, one of my client died also. I knew her, I took care of her, I took her places, enjoyed her company and now she is gone. Could I have taken care of her body? Could I've held her hand? I don't know. It sound funny that I haven't really handled death. I've written the obit. I have picked out coffins and headstones, I've done the arrangements but I haven't taken care of the person. I have always been at awed wit morticians, the love they have for people, I don't think that I am one of those kind of people, gentle, kind, loving. Well here I am, facing something entire ling different than I see myself. Can I do it? I just don't know yet. It's something more to think about.