understood

I've been sitting here, thinking about the jobs I have had and why I don't have them now. I am always on time and leaving when I should. I have tried to do my job to the fullest and doing anything my bosses have asked.
Why was I always in the office talking to the boss and then always crying? Why would people complain about me to my boss? I never understood that. Why would I hurt someone on purpose, or even by mistake? I have loved the ones I have cared for. I always did my best. Why wasn't that good enough.
Of coarse, they always had to 'let me go' because there was no wrong doing. You just can't have someone like me around.
Hey, maybe that is why my own family doesn't want me around some times. That is why I am having such a hard time with finding a job now. I am afraid that I'll do something wrong, again. I just couldn't take being let go again or even worse 'fired'. I will be 60 soon and who would want me anyway?
Caring for others is an emotional job. I have emotions. Who I care for have emotions and I understand that. We need to express our emotions, don't we?
The small child needs to be loved. The elderly need to be loved. The caregiver needs to be understood.

Someone to watch over me

Well the unemployment has run out and what's a person to do? Go find a job, right? Well that puts me into panic attacks. How do you explain being fired for lies, or because I wasn't happy enough. Of coarse it was for 'being inappropriate at work'. I'm inappropriate in my life most of the time, just ask my kids.
Why can't there be a way of making money and not having to apply for a job or interview and explain why I haven't been working.
I want to go home and have someone take care of me for awhile, now that sounds good.

We need to talk about it

With earning my degree, I had to read books and take classes in children in crisis so Mercyhurst giving a book about children in crisis in Benjy's name seems fitting. Some times I wish I could of intervene in Benjy's life more. I understand the pain of the mind and wanting it to go away. I have found therapy helps but is not the only answer. Some times we have to except what we have been handed and learn to deal with it. I have no answers, just more questions but I know reaching out to others and talking about it helps. ( may not be appropriate though) I hope that all who reads this will reach out and talk about it and listen to others.

I have been listening to old songs and thinking about the ones I've loved before. Do you think if they ever think of me( in a good way)? I don't like spending time, thinking, it always gets me into trouble but mowing the lawn is something that is hard to do together and talk.. Taking care of my husband has taken a small toll on my phycee, I start to wonder if anyone could ever care for me that way? To tend to another every need, to feed, clean, dress, ,medicate and then run all their wants too. I love my husband, don't get me wrong and I'm sure he loves me in his way, but could anyone love me to take care of my needs? Oh I asked that before. Well back to those old songs. ( somethings, like reasons, are put in a jar, what ever happened to wishes, wished on a star. Was it just something that I made up for fun)

just tired

"do for me, die for me, lift me, carry me. Finally got a guy to " just like the old song, I do everything for my husband, now a day. Help me up, shower me, I need to go to the bathroom, and so on and so on. I've tried sleeping on the couch so I will hear him in the night. When I did this for others I got paid and got to leave after 12 hours. Oh I'm glad he is home and he is doing so much better here than in the hospital. You could just say I'M TIRED.

the waiting room

In the waiting room for my husband to come out of open heart surgery, now there is a time to go insane, but with the supportive staff at the hospital I was kept informed on how the surgery was going, every 2 hours. His sister sat with me, now she will go insane, while I waited and of coarse all I did was grabber away. I was nervous than I had thought because when he came through surgery I felt better, somewhat. There is so much I have to do before he comes home and than 6 weeks of care giving. I'm not very good at giving care to my own family, I'm scared. It's little things like this that pushes me to insanity.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being yelled at and put down. I hate being told what to do, when and how and then be yelled at for it.
I try to give Richard the benefit of the doubt but then he just keeps it up. It makes me sad. It makes me want to run away, to die.
I guess I am still not better. I still let the people I love hurt me so. Nothing has changed for me after all. Is there no hope? Will it ever get better? Does anyone even care?
Well next week I will have a reprieve, Richard will be in the hospital and won't be yelling at me.
Now do I go to bed or stay up, again, alone.