Someone to watch over me

Well the unemployment has run out and what's a person to do? Go find a job, right? Well that puts me into panic attacks. How do you explain being fired for lies, or because I wasn't happy enough. Of coarse it was for 'being inappropriate at work'. I'm inappropriate in my life most of the time, just ask my kids.
Why can't there be a way of making money and not having to apply for a job or interview and explain why I haven't been working.
I want to go home and have someone take care of me for awhile, now that sounds good.

We need to talk about it

With earning my degree, I had to read books and take classes in children in crisis so Mercyhurst giving a book about children in crisis in Benjy's name seems fitting. Some times I wish I could of intervene in Benjy's life more. I understand the pain of the mind and wanting it to go away. I have found therapy helps but is not the only answer. Some times we have to except what we have been handed and learn to deal with it. I have no answers, just more questions but I know reaching out to others and talking about it helps. ( may not be appropriate though) I hope that all who reads this will reach out and talk about it and listen to others.

I have been listening to old songs and thinking about the ones I've loved before. Do you think if they ever think of me( in a good way)? I don't like spending time, thinking, it always gets me into trouble but mowing the lawn is something that is hard to do together and talk.. Taking care of my husband has taken a small toll on my phycee, I start to wonder if anyone could ever care for me that way? To tend to another every need, to feed, clean, dress, ,medicate and then run all their wants too. I love my husband, don't get me wrong and I'm sure he loves me in his way, but could anyone love me to take care of my needs? Oh I asked that before. Well back to those old songs. ( somethings, like reasons, are put in a jar, what ever happened to wishes, wished on a star. Was it just something that I made up for fun)

just tired

"do for me, die for me, lift me, carry me. Finally got a guy to " just like the old song, I do everything for my husband, now a day. Help me up, shower me, I need to go to the bathroom, and so on and so on. I've tried sleeping on the couch so I will hear him in the night. When I did this for others I got paid and got to leave after 12 hours. Oh I'm glad he is home and he is doing so much better here than in the hospital. You could just say I'M TIRED.

the waiting room

In the waiting room for my husband to come out of open heart surgery, now there is a time to go insane, but with the supportive staff at the hospital I was kept informed on how the surgery was going, every 2 hours. His sister sat with me, now she will go insane, while I waited and of coarse all I did was grabber away. I was nervous than I had thought because when he came through surgery I felt better, somewhat. There is so much I have to do before he comes home and than 6 weeks of care giving. I'm not very good at giving care to my own family, I'm scared. It's little things like this that pushes me to insanity.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being yelled at and put down. I hate being told what to do, when and how and then be yelled at for it.
I try to give Richard the benefit of the doubt but then he just keeps it up. It makes me sad. It makes me want to run away, to die.
I guess I am still not better. I still let the people I love hurt me so. Nothing has changed for me after all. Is there no hope? Will it ever get better? Does anyone even care?
Well next week I will have a reprieve, Richard will be in the hospital and won't be yelling at me.
Now do I go to bed or stay up, again, alone.

I'm sitting here, alone, watching a movie that I shouldn't just yet, but here I am. I'm wathing "What Dreams May Come". It's about dieing and suicide. I have been suicidle, all my life. I've even have tried it a few times. I'm not proud, just stating a fact, and I know how it feels. So I'm thinking about the death of my son. I wish I had been around, maybe I could of helped. If I had just been a better parent? I feel so responsible. I've been a terrible influence on the ones I love. I know that this post is inappropriate but I have to say it somewhere, somehow. I've failed so many people in my life. People that I have loved the most. Here I am just wallowing in my own sorrow. Everyone else seems to be so strong and I'm so sorry of a person.
So much for self absorbed. It's been hard on my family, having this loss, but it still is a learning process. All these things shall give thee experience. Loss is a hard one. Any type of loss really, but when it is someone like Benjy, You feel it big. He was a Big spirit in our family. He brought two wonderful girls into it and a beautiful wife. Amie, you are a part of me now and forever.
My husband has already lost two children, but this one was hard on him too. I don't know if I should say this, but I always say things I shouldn't, Richard is dieing. Surgery next week, 50/50 chance of surviving. I'm scared. I feel so alone with all of this. I know, everything will be all right, but I am still worried. So much, Too much.
I am sorry to all of you.