just tired

"do for me, die for me, lift me, carry me. Finally got a guy to " just like the old song, I do everything for my husband, now a day. Help me up, shower me, I need to go to the bathroom, and so on and so on. I've tried sleeping on the couch so I will hear him in the night. When I did this for others I got paid and got to leave after 12 hours. Oh I'm glad he is home and he is doing so much better here than in the hospital. You could just say I'M TIRED.

the waiting room

In the waiting room for my husband to come out of open heart surgery, now there is a time to go insane, but with the supportive staff at the hospital I was kept informed on how the surgery was going, every 2 hours. His sister sat with me, now she will go insane, while I waited and of coarse all I did was grabber away. I was nervous than I had thought because when he came through surgery I felt better, somewhat. There is so much I have to do before he comes home and than 6 weeks of care giving. I'm not very good at giving care to my own family, I'm scared. It's little things like this that pushes me to insanity.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being yelled at and put down. I hate being told what to do, when and how and then be yelled at for it.
I try to give Richard the benefit of the doubt but then he just keeps it up. It makes me sad. It makes me want to run away, to die.
I guess I am still not better. I still let the people I love hurt me so. Nothing has changed for me after all. Is there no hope? Will it ever get better? Does anyone even care?
Well next week I will have a reprieve, Richard will be in the hospital and won't be yelling at me.
Now do I go to bed or stay up, again, alone.

I'm sitting here, alone, watching a movie that I shouldn't just yet, but here I am. I'm wathing "What Dreams May Come". It's about dieing and suicide. I have been suicidle, all my life. I've even have tried it a few times. I'm not proud, just stating a fact, and I know how it feels. So I'm thinking about the death of my son. I wish I had been around, maybe I could of helped. If I had just been a better parent? I feel so responsible. I've been a terrible influence on the ones I love. I know that this post is inappropriate but I have to say it somewhere, somehow. I've failed so many people in my life. People that I have loved the most. Here I am just wallowing in my own sorrow. Everyone else seems to be so strong and I'm so sorry of a person.
So much for self absorbed. It's been hard on my family, having this loss, but it still is a learning process. All these things shall give thee experience. Loss is a hard one. Any type of loss really, but when it is someone like Benjy, You feel it big. He was a Big spirit in our family. He brought two wonderful girls into it and a beautiful wife. Amie, you are a part of me now and forever.
My husband has already lost two children, but this one was hard on him too. I don't know if I should say this, but I always say things I shouldn't, Richard is dieing. Surgery next week, 50/50 chance of surviving. I'm scared. I feel so alone with all of this. I know, everything will be all right, but I am still worried. So much, Too much.
I am sorry to all of you.

Junk

I'm trying to get the junk in my house, organized so I can sell it. Not working out as well as I would like. I'm not as young as I used to be and moving furniture is getting harder. How did I ever get soooo much stuff? You hang on to things thinking someone would like it latter and then no one wants it. What do you do with a piano that cost me $2500, I am hopeng for $600, but I'm starting to loose faith. With gold going so high I think of selling my jewerly and wish I had more. Money, that is what I need, what I want, and what I don't have. I have junk! Does anyone want junk, my junk? Instead of a garage sale I'm going to avertise a 'junk sale' maybe that will get attention.

No title

Just another, hot summer day, just like so many I've already lived through and I am still here. Still facing the same predicaments I did last year or the years before. When are we supposed to grow up and over come these problems.
I always thought that I would out grow my problems or find the answers by the time I would reach this age, but here they all come running right back, boom, I'm feeling like I did at thirteen. Has anyone, really, ever grown up? Do we have to relive our fears and shames over and over again, till we die?
I feel that I have failed some how, I keep trying, almost close, I can see a speck of light..... Oh I was wrong, it's just the same old, same old.
Little hope in ever becoming. Little desire to keep trying. Must give in?
Love does not cure all, but I sure would like to try.
I would like to say "I'm sorry" to all of you for me not getting it.

I need you in my life

Well I'm sitting here on a hot, humid, summer day. There is so much to do but I don't want to do any of it. When my family was young I did it all and now that I'm alone most of the time, I do nothing. Why can't we change this growing up thing around. I should have the young ones now, when I don't worry about cleaning the house. Where I would love to play and lay out side.
I miss my family. That seems so 'not important' but it's like 'air' to me. I can't breath without my family. I've been trying not to complain to them so I haven't called much and I miss them so. Thanks to 'facebook' I know what my kids are doing, sort of. Sometimes I wish I knew more about the computer so I could get in touch more often.
Summer is going so slow, and I am missing my 40th class reunion. I've never gone before, but this year I wanted to go. Losing my jobs didn't help. sort of. I would to say" Fiauna, here I come. Pull out the pool toys" It's not too late, yet but the time is ticking down.
So what is this all about? I miss you all. I need you in my life.