I've been sitting here, missing my family, not wanting to look for a job, feeling lonely and waiting.....for what? That is it, I don't know. Should I go outside and work in the yard, while I can? Should I talk to anyone? I don't know, what do I do with myself during the day? I cook, clean, laundry and the hole thing and noone even noticed it. I feel so alone. I need the sun or somthing I guess.

What should be

I haven't written on my blog because I haven't been taking care of anyone, not even me. I have been sitting on the sofa watching t.v. and eating junk. Why, do you ask? It's January and my daffodils are up, we haven't had a hard freeze yet so that all is going to happen later. like February. Well being unemployed doesn't help.
Hopefully Richard will be going back to work this week or next. We weren't made to be together 24/7, not that it hasn't been nice being home together.
I need to start doing something, soon. I just don't know what that should be.

Visiting Teaching?

To night I went out with my friend, to do our visiting teaching. I wrapped up my famous fudge and went out. We stopped at an inactive woman and talked, talked till her children came home from school, and we talked the them.
We went to the next lady and she wasn't home, we went on to a elderly woman who lost her home to a fire. She was not a member, but that didn't matter. Left some fudge, made sure she was alright then went back to see if the other sister had returned.
We went down to our next sister, surprised her because she forgot. We sat around her table and gave the message, laughed and gave her fudge.
We went to the nursing home to visit my partner's mother-in-law. She is not a member either, but she is very lonely in her last days here.
We then stopped at a new sister on our list, an inactive mother of three, trying to remodel her house and go to school, on line. The children were very friendly and excited about Christmas coming. I saw no signs of a tree or any decorations and she needed a little help cleaning up/
Now we went back to our sisters home that we hadn't gotten to, she was home but had a broken foot and had been all day at the doctors. We had a fine visit and she was alright.
Now it was dark and we needed to get home. We were out for 5 hours. Not so bad. Now to get the rest of them, tomorrow.

understood

I've been sitting here, thinking about the jobs I have had and why I don't have them now. I am always on time and leaving when I should. I have tried to do my job to the fullest and doing anything my bosses have asked.
Why was I always in the office talking to the boss and then always crying? Why would people complain about me to my boss? I never understood that. Why would I hurt someone on purpose, or even by mistake? I have loved the ones I have cared for. I always did my best. Why wasn't that good enough.
Of coarse, they always had to 'let me go' because there was no wrong doing. You just can't have someone like me around.
Hey, maybe that is why my own family doesn't want me around some times. That is why I am having such a hard time with finding a job now. I am afraid that I'll do something wrong, again. I just couldn't take being let go again or even worse 'fired'. I will be 60 soon and who would want me anyway?
Caring for others is an emotional job. I have emotions. Who I care for have emotions and I understand that. We need to express our emotions, don't we?
The small child needs to be loved. The elderly need to be loved. The caregiver needs to be understood.

Someone to watch over me

Well the unemployment has run out and what's a person to do? Go find a job, right? Well that puts me into panic attacks. How do you explain being fired for lies, or because I wasn't happy enough. Of coarse it was for 'being inappropriate at work'. I'm inappropriate in my life most of the time, just ask my kids.
Why can't there be a way of making money and not having to apply for a job or interview and explain why I haven't been working.
I want to go home and have someone take care of me for awhile, now that sounds good.

We need to talk about it

With earning my degree, I had to read books and take classes in children in crisis so Mercyhurst giving a book about children in crisis in Benjy's name seems fitting. Some times I wish I could of intervene in Benjy's life more. I understand the pain of the mind and wanting it to go away. I have found therapy helps but is not the only answer. Some times we have to except what we have been handed and learn to deal with it. I have no answers, just more questions but I know reaching out to others and talking about it helps. ( may not be appropriate though) I hope that all who reads this will reach out and talk about it and listen to others.

I have been listening to old songs and thinking about the ones I've loved before. Do you think if they ever think of me( in a good way)? I don't like spending time, thinking, it always gets me into trouble but mowing the lawn is something that is hard to do together and talk.. Taking care of my husband has taken a small toll on my phycee, I start to wonder if anyone could ever care for me that way? To tend to another every need, to feed, clean, dress, ,medicate and then run all their wants too. I love my husband, don't get me wrong and I'm sure he loves me in his way, but could anyone love me to take care of my needs? Oh I asked that before. Well back to those old songs. ( somethings, like reasons, are put in a jar, what ever happened to wishes, wished on a star. Was it just something that I made up for fun)