the waiting room

In the waiting room for my husband to come out of open heart surgery, now there is a time to go insane, but with the supportive staff at the hospital I was kept informed on how the surgery was going, every 2 hours. His sister sat with me, now she will go insane, while I waited and of coarse all I did was grabber away. I was nervous than I had thought because when he came through surgery I felt better, somewhat. There is so much I have to do before he comes home and than 6 weeks of care giving. I'm not very good at giving care to my own family, I'm scared. It's little things like this that pushes me to insanity.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being yelled at and put down. I hate being told what to do, when and how and then be yelled at for it.
I try to give Richard the benefit of the doubt but then he just keeps it up. It makes me sad. It makes me want to run away, to die.
I guess I am still not better. I still let the people I love hurt me so. Nothing has changed for me after all. Is there no hope? Will it ever get better? Does anyone even care?
Well next week I will have a reprieve, Richard will be in the hospital and won't be yelling at me.
Now do I go to bed or stay up, again, alone.

I'm sitting here, alone, watching a movie that I shouldn't just yet, but here I am. I'm wathing "What Dreams May Come". It's about dieing and suicide. I have been suicidle, all my life. I've even have tried it a few times. I'm not proud, just stating a fact, and I know how it feels. So I'm thinking about the death of my son. I wish I had been around, maybe I could of helped. If I had just been a better parent? I feel so responsible. I've been a terrible influence on the ones I love. I know that this post is inappropriate but I have to say it somewhere, somehow. I've failed so many people in my life. People that I have loved the most. Here I am just wallowing in my own sorrow. Everyone else seems to be so strong and I'm so sorry of a person.
So much for self absorbed. It's been hard on my family, having this loss, but it still is a learning process. All these things shall give thee experience. Loss is a hard one. Any type of loss really, but when it is someone like Benjy, You feel it big. He was a Big spirit in our family. He brought two wonderful girls into it and a beautiful wife. Amie, you are a part of me now and forever.
My husband has already lost two children, but this one was hard on him too. I don't know if I should say this, but I always say things I shouldn't, Richard is dieing. Surgery next week, 50/50 chance of surviving. I'm scared. I feel so alone with all of this. I know, everything will be all right, but I am still worried. So much, Too much.
I am sorry to all of you.